“I found myself in the rising sun”

I captioned the photo

And I take one more look at the morning sky

Saying ‘I have found a piece of me in this ocean of light and wonder’

I’m not sure I actually believed it.

Some people believe that their missing parts

Have found their way dancing by the sea,

Scattered across the world, hanging upon a foreign horizon,

Some nights I think maybe mine are just waiting in a quiet subway station,

Some days when the city is far too grey and didn’t seem worth a second look

I think I’d find my missing pieces tucked between the pages of a book.

 

There are days I fear I’d lose myself in my own skin

With a grating desire to hide behind a lighter shade, lighter hair and a lighter body

When I’m far too fraught and troubled by the heavy weight of labels

And preconception of how someone of my shape and color ought to be.

I’ve seen people lose parts of them in a photograph,

On a barstool, or under somebody else’s sheets

And so they went looking for themselves in kisses,

In “I love you’s” and the comfort of waking up next to someone.

Some people find their fragments tangled with intimacy,

Some in chaos, some in amity, some in songs of joy, some in the drive of pain,

Some in the empty spaces of a gallery and in the violent embrace of thunder and rain.

 

And then there is me who found myself in conversations,

In an afternoon exchange realizing that freedom does not

Always look like open skies, sometimes it is a small antique shop,

Your own corner of the world unburdened by judgement,

In a friend’s advice that sometimes the most basic of things

Are toughest to learn by heart, and in our unison laughter

While counting the jabs of bad things I had to take

To know just how true that patience indeed is a virtue

And in the query of a person I once loved who keeps asking why I loved him

Despite the fact there aren’t much stars in his eyes

And the rest of him, he deemed “too normal”

And my heart responding, isn’t this how love is supposed to be?

Seeing the beautiful in the ordinary

 

 

How to not get laid

Dress down, don’t dress up, wear that Batman shirt

you always wear at home on days you don’t feel like

taking a shower and all you wanna do is eat a bag of chips,

Wear the most comfortable thing you can think of,

even if it makes you look like a semi-deflated sack of flour.

When he asks you about your interests, talk about Thermodynamics,

or Philosophy, the brilliance of Calculus,

satirical comics, and mellow retro love songs.

Don’t shave! Don’t pluck your eyebrows, don’t even think

about threading or bleaching that hair on your upper lip.

When you’ve done all this, and somehow he still thinks

you’re beautiful and he still finds a way to get

lost in your eyes. Tell him “I love you” out loud

and he’d search your lips for answers on questions

like ‘how much?’ and ‘even when things get hard?’

Hold his hand, hand over all the comfort and trust

you are able to give, let him share the weight of your hopes

and insecurities.  Tell him there are so many ways you can let him in

but not through your body, that you can give him your whole heart

but you haven’t shaken enough of your demons to let him see you bare,

that up to now, you haven’t found a label that fits you in terms of sexuality,

that you know how to love but there are some intimacies you’re not ready for.

It will make him feel unwanted, and a bit of time and space will push him to leave.

It will break both your hearts.

Some days it will make you feel hollow in parts of you,

you never expected to have any voids, and you repeatedly

ask yourself, what if you’ve given it up, maybe it’s not as valuable

as the weight you put on it, but then you think again

And decide you want to remember him as someone you loved

not someone you’ve somehow never forgiven, and involuntarily

remind whenever you argue that he took from you something

that reminds you of that red dress you wore

on your second valentine’s together, the one you ripped

on the side because you spent all the night dancing;

It can no longer be returned nor exchanged.

Kissed by the Sun

You have oceans for hair, no, not the blue calm peaceful kind,

more like  waves of a  distressed black ocean in the middle of a storm,

reaching down your body , down, further down

until it escapes the chaos of your head,

and your body is too covered with their waves

that people often wonder if you come to howl at the moon at night,

a creature of the evening, a peculiarity, not a woman

and often times the vessel that is your body does not fit

in these society constrained textiles, somehow

there is always too much body to fit in what they call clothes,

somehow even though you are covered they make you feel shame

but despite all these you’ve got eyes  that can hold the morning sky,

and can mirror all the luminescence of the evening,

and even though your nose does not stand tall

and your neck couldn’t hold your chin up high

you have got those lips that tell the world for certain

there is more of you to love, and though most

voices will tell you otherwise, you are beautiful

your body is a landscape of bountiful curves,

made out of hills, and mountain ranges.

You are a mountain among valleys and plains,

And they can call you burnt, too dark, but I prefer to think that

You’ve been kissed by the sun, and would you ever envy their

Snow-covered complexions

when the sun has loved you more

when the sun loved you  enough to leave imprints of love

on your skin.

On loving volcanoes

You are neither a ghost town, nor a haunted house

But the thought of being next to you strikes fear into other people

There is a lot about you that is easy to love

You are beautiful for one, a lot would pass by to look at you

But none of them have the heart to stay,

You are tender and kind, you are passionate,

You have the kind of fire in you

That can light up so many others’ worlds,

And keep them warm in the cold dark times

you have fire

So much inside you that every now and then

You explode

 

You are so rare and wonderful but you have destruction

Within you, and no matter how much I try

I can’t change you, that is your nature.

I’ve been called a fool, I might be

But I’d chosen to live life learning when

And how much I need to be distant,

Learning when to come back to you

And how to embrace you at your ruin,

And maybe If I could, if you wanted me to,

I’d be fireproof for you

 

They often ask me why I love you,

Why love a volcano, why love something that explodes?

…because the most beautiful flowers grow at its feet

How to Love on empty pockets

I reach for the only dress I own, sitting at the back of my closet

Waiting for the next special occasion it would be worn,

It’s been another long week of the daily grind and I miss you.

Most days, we roam around our 2 mile radius world,

Pretending these beat down alleys are parks,

And those street corner curbs as our benches

But today I ride the train off to another point of view.

Today was the day we decided to try on the fancy life,

To see how much greener the other side was

Before deciding whether we’d go for the climb before settling.

I have found my way to a nearby cosmetics store,

Taking advantage of tester bottles and lip shades,

As if I’m making a decision, as if I’d come back for them later.

I meet you at the hotel lobby and we sat basking on the music

Of the orchestra playing songs that weren’t meant for us,

And we talk the afternoon through, and we dream on about

Fancy carpets and chandeliers, and dancing to violins,

You spun me in a waltz and we looked around before deciding to sit down,

The rest of the afternoon was spent in conversation and drinking service water

And us not minding the smell of expensive champagne on the lips of those around us,

We watch them in their fancy clothes and the diamonds and gold that hung upon their skin.

You wear a forlorn look upon your face and I decided it is time to go.

It’s 5:45 and for some reason I trust you when you tell me to

Spread my arms open and turn around. I come facing the sunset

Finding its light lingering on almost every inch of me,

You whisper in my ear “Tell the world that this is how you and I wear gold”

You look at me and I already know the question in your mind,

I tell you “ Yes, never mind if I have a ring or not, a small band of gold could

Not hold onto all the promises you’ve made and kept anyway.”

Nominated for the Liebster Awards

I was nominated by @littleharto for the Liebster Awards. It is basically an award for bloggers to nominate and discover blogs, as well as giving them the recognition they deserve.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank the people who read my posts, I especially appreciate those who leave personal comments because it is the best way I get in touch with you lovely wordpress beings. I really started this out as just a random personal journal of some sorts, but the interaction and appreciation from the people here really made me stay.

Rules:
Thank the blogger(s) who nominated you
Answer the 11 questions the blogger gives you
Nominate 5-11 bloggers that you think are deserving of the award
Let the bloggers know you nominated them
Give them 11 questions of your own

Here are the questions I was asked.

1. Were/are you a good student?

Yes I am a good student, I have been all my life. I was a consistent honor student up to high school. College is a whole new level of tough though, but I’m too big of a nerd, I always want to do well in school.

2. Do you believe in the whole “one true love” and “soulmates” concept? Why?

YES! because I already witnessed it in real life. Me being as a hopeless romantic is deeply rooted on my grandparents’ marriage. My experiences in romance should have probably broken this belief already, but it didn’t because they exist.

3. Favorite thing to bake?  –  Cupcakes
4.If you could be a Disney princess/Prince for a day, who would you be?-Belle! Mostly because of my shared love of books.
5. Whats one thing you regret?-I’m happy as of the moment, and when I am I regret nothing because even my stupidest mistakes brought me to this moment.
6. Perks of having a blog?

The perks of this blog is I get to freely write how I feel and think without the fear of being judged by the people I personally know ( going anonymous was a really good idea ), and knowing that I need not impress anybody helps me be really honest about what I write. The appreciation and interaction with random beautiful strangers is a very good plus too.
7. Would you rather have nice hair and bad makeup, or bad hair with nice makeup?- bad hair, nice makeup
8. Ever been to a concert?- Yes, Jason Mraz, he is a wonderful free spirit.
9.Most difficult thing about travel?-Money problems
10. Regular tea or herbal tea?-herbal tea
11. Favorite dunking biscuit?-Oreo! and custard-filled biscuits.

I nominate

@galinbluejeans

@timehonoredclassicalliteratureandmusings

@khaulanazir

@keepingupwiththeintrovert

@romancingliife

My questions for you:

1.What are the three best words that describe you?

2. What is your favorite color?

3. Would you rather live up in the sky or under water?

4. What is the one piece of literature that has had a significant impact on your life?

5. if you had to choose to live without one of your five senses, which one would you give up?

6. If you could live in a book/ Tv show or movie, what would it be?

7. What is the one thing that never fails to cheer you up?

8. Do you have a comfort food?

9. What is your favorite time of the day?

10. If you were stuck in a desert, and you happened to have stumbled upon a jar of water, what would you do? (The answer to this question actually reveals something personal)

11. What makes you write?

 

For The Most Beautiful People I know

He was the most amazing grandpa anyone can ask for,

Always funny, and strong despite his old age

He usually entertains everybody with magic tricks,

When he wasn’t he was dancing the cha-cha

But what I love most was hearing his stories

His adventures as he sailed across the seven seas,

And every now and then a few hilarious anecdotes

Of his days as a young boy. He always had the best stories.

And as I was growing up, I realized the most wonderful

Out of his life stories was the one he never had to tell us

It is the one I watched happen before my eyes.

50 years of the most beautiful marriage I have ever known.

He and grandma are perfect soulmates,

Both beautiful, and strong, and both very funny in their own right

Their marriage was never perfect and every now and then they banter

But they always know how to end it with  laughter.

I’ve never bore witness to anything more beautiful

 

But old age can still catch up even to the most beautiful of things

Grandpa got sick, lost his strength and quite a lot of his memories

Grandma stood by him, fighting with him, even when he no longer couldn’t

It’s funny how grandpa still remembers all of grandma’s dresses

Even when he already forgotten what she had looked like

It’s astonishing how a love like theirs, could endure so much

Even in demise it carries on

 

Grief is not something grandma has ever worn before

And now she is learning how to fit in it

How to hold onto memory in place of a hand

How to embrace others’ comfort and consolation

In place of his warmth

And learning how to waltz with time’s passing

Until she can finally dance with him again.

 

*Nothing I can ever write will ever give justice to how wonderful I think my grandparents are, and I’m sure only time can bring them back together, the most I can ever do is to keep in my heart the best thing they ever gave me; Hope that there are things such as love, that can be so beautiful and true.

In Need of Volunteers

I need a volunteer; will somebody carry my heart with me?

I know it looks heavy but I promise it will get lighter along the way

See it needs to find a home, some place it can take some rest

From all the beatings it took recently

Some place quiet, but not a place where it is silenced

See it needs someone to hear its rhythm

Because lately non has been listening

Always them having too little time

And my heart having too much trouble, too much worry and sorrow

My emotions never reaching anybody’s ears,

Just hollow walls passing back and forth my nightly woes,

I don’t need excuses or apologies, I need a friend

Somebody I can pour my heart out to

Until all this weight has been emptied out

I don’t need a fixer or someone to build me a new world

In place of my wretched one, I just need someone to hold onto

Until I can remember what it feels like when my heart isn’t heavy

It’s been a really long while, so will you carry my heart with me?

Small Talk

It shouldn’t be a part of my language, these conversations

That quickly dismisses the highs and lows of my life

With variations of two- worded responses

Such as “that’s nice” and “how sad”

I refuse to be fluent in these dialogues

That easily puts hard work to shame,

And which only hears words that speak of

The weather,  how much weight I gained,

And an awful lot of names that honestly

Do not matter to me.

It’s frustrating how they always occur within crowds,

Loud enough but no one is ever really listening,

It is just me and some strangers trying to fill the silence

Yet we always leave a void, we always leave the atmosphere

All shallow and empty. And the more they occur

I find myself repeating the same sentences

Only changing a few words, spoken too many times

That they’ve started to lose any weight or depth,

These consistent failing attempts of trying to

Tell others who I am, repeated so many times over

That I can’t even tell how fast the days are changing,

That I can’t even tell if I’m changing at all.

There are over a thousand words exchanged and

Exhausted between you and I, yet we have no idea

How big and beautiful are the worlds that

Live within each other.

An Open Letter to a Hopeless Romantic

Love  as of the current moment is not worth the wait,

He has rejected you again and again,

So much it doesn’t even hurt this time around

You keep telling yourself it just isn’t the right time

But perhaps it is time to consider that he may just not be the right guy

I know people say true love is enduring, but it doesn’t have to be naïve

I know you think fighting for it meant waiting for a very long time,

And there are a lot of faults to forgive and a lot of you to sacrifice

But do you keep putting up a fight when it feels as if you are beating

Down a concrete wall with only your bare fists, brave but unarmed?

It might seem wonderful and noble to say I’ve loved selflessly

One person and no one else, but if your heart is so convinced of this

Why did it have to blind itself from things it really couldn’t stand,

From things that cannot be altered nor repaired by love?

Because the truth is Love  has been too busy looking at the wrong things

That have long finished their march in the past to see what could go right

For now, to see that he can be happy now and that you are here now.

Love convinces himself he is not over her because he likes the sound

Of his voice saying “I love her still, and I always will”

Love never loved you back, but he kept by your side

Because it felt good when he was loved,

It never mattered that you knew him more than anyone

And that you complement each other in the most beautiful ways

He thinks you are wonderful, but never for romance

Because although you’re funny, you’re not pretty enough

And despite your kindness you make him insecure.

Love  will find another girl to like within a month,

Just because he feels alone, and it matters not that they

Do not match in any way, she only needed to be cute,

And choose dogs over cats. Love when you’re long gone

Might miss you, he might even say he loved you but he

Wouldn’t mean it, not because he is a jerk but because

He loves the feeling of regretting.

Stop waiting for Love, you may think you are hard to love

But that’s just because you’ve been knockin on the wrong

Door for far too long. There are other doors, and the right one

When you find it is all open, waiting for you all this time

To come in its embrace. It will take some time to find

The right one, but for the time being strip Love of his name

He doesn’t deserve it. Take that name and wear it upon you,

Take the time to know the kind of love you really want

And the kind you are worth. Take time to know that even if

Others find it hard to see, you are beautiful, and you don’t

Need anyone’s affection to be certain of that truth.